New to this blog thing…

So, I finally decided to jump on the bandwagon and start a blog.  Here’s the thing: I have no idea what I am doing.  I have decided to treat this blog as an online diary.  Everyone says how cathartic it can be.  I find it far easier to put my thoughts down on paper (or in this case, out in cyber space) than trying to speak out loud.  I always have these wonderful conversations and retorts in my head, but I end up conveying my thoughts more like that of a Neanderthal.  It’s a rare power I possess.

I guess here is where I introduce myself.  I would like to try and remain anonymous for as long as possible because most things I plan on writing are sensitive subjects.  Bottom line: I need some kind of outlet before I go crazy.  Maybe I already am…all the best people are ;-).  I am a Mother to three pretty awesome kids.  They are my life; my pride and joy (when they aren’t fighting or trying to kill one another).  I am getting ready to start the hardest journey of my life.  I battled with infertility for many years before finally having children.  I thought that was devastating and hard, but it pales in comparison to what lies ahead.  I am going to go through a divorce.  Moreover, I am going to go through a divorce (in part) because I am gay.  Yep.  I still can’t say those words out loud.  I have spent so many years hating myself and putting myself down that I don’t believe anyone can hurt me more than I hurt myself.  I can count on one hand the number of people who know the whole truth of my situation.  Partly, this is because I have spent the majority of my life denying, well, me.  I didn’t “want” to be gay.  I thought that if I just got married, everything would disappear.  When that didn’t work, I threw myself into having children.  To be clear, I always, always, always dreamed of being a mother.  I did not conceive my children simply as part of a charade.  I wanted each of them with every part of my being.  I LOVE being a mother.  I really thought that I could bury myself into a family and come out hunky-dory.

Yeah, right.  So, fast-forward a bit to the mess I have now created.  I guess this is what I’ll use my blog for.  To vent, to write my feelings that I can’t say out loud.  I guess this is enough for now.  I’ll backtrack more in my next posts.  Like I said, I have no idea what I am doing.  I don’t even know if anyone will bother reading.  I just hope this can be as cathartic for me as I hear everyone say…

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