Online Diary

Sweet, so absolutely no one has visited my blog.  Not one single person.  I suppose this means I really have an online diary.  I can write every thought down without worrying about some stranger’s reaction.  Am I mad?  Nope.  I feel like people look to social media too much for approval and/or self-worth.  I don’t know how cathartic I’ll find writing my thoughts down, but at the very least maybe I can look at old posts and see how much I have grown.  I hope so, anyway.

So, I’m going to go through a divorce.  It sucks.  It needs to happen, but that doesn’t make it any less sucky.  I truly do love my husband.  I wish him the best and I hope that he can find a partner that loves him in every way that he deserves because I just can’t do that. Don’t get me wrong, he can be a complete and total ass.  He is oftentimes very selfish.  I have allowed much of this behavior throughout the years because I felt like I deserved it.  I am not (or I guess I should say that I don’t see myself as) a victim.  It just is how it is.  We have never worked as a team.  It has always been one of us trying to get our way.  I am so tired of the fighting.  I do not want our children to grow up thinking that this is how a normal relationship works.  We cannot even agree on moving forward with this whole divorce process!  I thought that he could never hurt me more than when he told me he hated me about a year ago.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.  Last week during a fight, he told me that I was destroying our family all because of my “lifestyle choice”.  My first response was only tears.  My second response was to ask him who on Earth would “choose” to be gay.  I also reminded him that my only “lifestyle choice” had been to be heterosexual, and that certainly hasn’t worked out for me.  I just want to be able to be me.  It would be great if I could find someone to love me for me and have fantastic, mind-blowing sex for the rest of my life.  I’m not counting on that, though.  I am not planning on seeking a relationship in the future. I just want to be ok and I want my children to be ok.  I want to feel as if my life has value and that has been a very hard thing to feel for a very long time.  I have no idea what the future holds.  I’m scared, excited, hopeful, anxious, sad, and a whole bunch of other emotions I can’t even put into words.

I guess that’s it for this post.  It does feel good to write things down.

Peace and Love

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