So, someone finally hired me! I had put out so many applications that I was about ready to give up! I had a “Plan B” ready to be enacted for the summer, but this job offer was definitely a Hail Mary and came right at the last minute. I still had an opportunity to select plan B. That would have been my safer choice, the easier choice. I think that’s why I went through with this job offer. It makes me uncomfortable and scared. It’s going to make me have to rely on myself to get shit done. It is scary and exciting and terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time. I feel like if I do this, I can be ok no matter what. I want to feel empowered. I have gone for so long with zero self-esteem and zero sense of empowerment and I so desperately want to get that back. I want to prove to myself that I am strong and that I can handle anything that comes my way. I want to show my children, especially my daughters, that we can be strong no matter what life throws at us.
That being said, I have already had quite the panic attack today. You see, my first day at work in over 10 years is tomorrow. I spent a great weekend with just my oldest daughter. We did a lot of activities together and I think we both enjoyed it a lot. The thing is, she doesn’t understand why I accepted a job. I have had the biggest guilt trips from her over the past few weeks. The one that got me the worst was, “But you always say that WE are your most important job!” Right in the feels…she might as well have stabbed me right through the heart. I would imagine that every stay-at-home mom has imagined what it would be like to return to work. Sure, working outside the home has it’s own challenges, but you get to wear real clothes and interact with adults. You aren’t constantly wiping noses and butts or preparing food that no one will eat but then complain an hour later that they are STARVING. I imagined it too from time to time. Now that it is here, though, I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like the shittiest mother in the world. I still feel like an ass for tearing my family apart. I don’t want to feel this way, but I do. Luckily it’s Father’s Day, so I have an excuse to stay out of the way. I also have a TON of things to get ready for the week ahead, because God forbid their father help me out with anything. So at least I’ve been able to have my breakdowns without anyone else being the wiser.
I’m finding it so much easier to get through things with baby steps. At least that keeps my panic attacks to a minimum. Step one was apply to jobs, step 2 was get interviews, step 3 was to accept a job. Check, check, and check. That helped it seem not so overwhelming and it made me feel like I accomplished a lot more than I really did. It’s certainly NOT helping with my emotions today, but that’s ok. Maybe I just need to let myself breakdown. I am not afraid to work and I certainly don’t feel like I am lazy. It isn’t that at all. It is that I love my three little monsters so much more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. I enjoy talking to them and doing things with them. I’m the first person they run to when they have a problem or a “boo-boo”. Nobody can hug them and comfort them like I do, nobody. Nobody will ever love them as much as I do. I think that is part of my panic and guilt today. I’m going to miss out on a big chunk of their everyday lives. That thought is killing me and killing me bad. I love those little monsters and I don’t want to leave them, but I have to, for the better of all of us.
Step 4 is to get my own checking account with my first paycheck and to set up direct deposit. Step 5 is to check out apartments/houses for rent. Step 6 is to secure a lease somewhere close to the kids’ school. Doable? Yes. Daunting? Absolutely. I’m not going out any further because I start sensing that stupid fear creep in otherwise.
Anyway, I actually feel a bit better just putting my thoughts into writing (or maybe it’s the Klonapin I took to keep from completely breaking down). Wish me luck on tomorrow and the upcoming weeks.
Peace and Love.